Welcome to Heartbreak

This song stopped me.



My friend showed me pictures of his kids,
And all I could show him were pictures of my cribs.
He said his daughter got a brand-new report card,
And all I got was a brand-new sportscar.

And my head keeps spinning, Can’t stop having these visions, I gotta keep with it.

Dad cracked a joke, all the kids laughed,
But I couldn’t hear him all the way in first-class.
Chased the good-life, my whole life long,
Look back on my life, all my life gone,
Where did I go wrong?

And my head keeps spinning, Can’t stop having these visions, I gotta keep with it.

I seen it, I'd seen it before.

My god sister getting married by the lake,
But I couldn’t figure out who I’d wanna take.
Bad enough that I showed up late,
I had to leave before they even cut the cake.
Welcome to heartbreak.

What Rivalry?

College game day was destined to be at the Rice-Eccles Stadium this year. The stars had aligned, no one said it but every true Ute and BYU fan hoped it could come down to this, two top ten ranked teams, a BCS bowl for the victors, taking this fierce rivalry to a whole new level.

It was all for not, BYU had to go blow it and get embarrassed by TCU. This loss was in some ways suffered more by Utah, for BYU had allowed someone else to take from them what was rightfully Utah's. They say 90% of success is showing up, and every true BYU fan that believes in their own "tradition, spirit, honor" knows BYU didn't show up. To add to this painful set of circumstances, BYU's slogan this year "Quest for Perfection"

Thank you BYU, for not living up to your end of the deal and for not having anything for us really worth taking. Thanks for mediocrity, for helpingout the BCS's cause, and for taking the rivalry out of it. This game will be hard fought and come down to the wire, all in all a great game... but it could have been epic.

Where were you when the light went out?

The Utes were outgained, 416 yards to 275. They got fewer first downs, fewer rushing yards, fewer passing yards, and possessed the ball for fewer minutes. Last night it didn't matter; we had the black, we had the King, we had the MUSS, we got win # 10. Simply beautiful!

Never Know

One of the greatest feelings I had Tuesday night was when I came to the realization of what my children will never know. I am grateful for that preacher from Atlanta that made it so I too would not have to know. I have only had to learned about and not live through our tragic history of the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham, and the bridge in Selma. For me and my posterity these struggles are of the past. Truth and love has already won over tyranny and hate. Barak Obama's victory has solidified to me, that preacher from Atlanta's dream is still very much alive and becoming reality.

As I look to the future, I am very hopeful of what this attorney from Hawaii has promised. I hope we may all be grateful for a few more thing to not know.

From President Elect Barak Obama's victory speech November 4th, 2008 - "America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves - if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made? This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment. This is our time - to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth - that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism and doubt, and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: yes, we can. Thank you, God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America."

Note to Self

I send myself messages from time to time and I leave out any detail or explanation thinking with my memory of steel, I will know exactly the context and purpose for sending myself such a message. I have found lately, my mind is not what it used to be and even messages from me are unclear. I can attribute this error to the fact that my memory is failing and I have the first stages of dementia setting in, or possibly I am not as good of a communicator as I think I am.

The truth is my memory is still pretty good and the majority of the time I can get my point across at least somewhat clearly. The main reason for this communication breakdown is I forget to include some of the context of why something is being said. As I watch this political dog and pony show that our children's future depend on, it's shocking how easy it is to fall into this very trap. The media will take statements out of context and start telling a lie by stringing a whole bunch of truths together. People turn into zealots and pick their candidate looking at all the wrong sort of details.

Quote from Fight Club sent to myself on 2/17/06 at 12:31 AM

"An entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy stuff we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very p*ssed off. Its not until you lose everything that you are free to do anything. The things you own end up owning you."

Memory Loss

They say our ability to remember is what sets humans apart from the rest of the animal kingdom. This ability forces us to be aware of our present and also allows us to plan and prepare for the future. This memory can also hold us back and make us resist change.

Lately I've been thinking about my memories and what about it makes it so hard at times. For me remembering my past is generally a pleasant experience given my blessed life to this point. The hardest memories for me are not really memories at all. They are the memories I have planned on but for whatever reason will never experience.

The expectation of the plans unlived are the hardest for me to give up. Kind of funny since I never really had them to miss. At various points in my life I have had to choose a new path, one unplanned and unforseen. It is at these times, I tend to struggle most, it is in these moments I resist change.

Too much of a good thing?

The one reason I look forward to fall is the wonderfully glorious Utah football season. My passion for this team has lead me to some surprising choices in life, all of which would sound absurd in this context so I will omit the details. However this is evidence that if you follow your heart, you will be forever thankful.

I also enjoy my share of inappropriate jokes. I don't usually feel bad about this since I don't know if you can help what you find funny, but hang with me long enough and you'll find my humor at least somewhat disturbing.

I about fell out of my desk earlier this week when I came across this shot from the homecoming game. Thank you Sean Smith and Brice McCain for making me wonder the following...

1. Can you have too much of a good thing?
2. Does this look right to you?
3. What is your sexual orientation?

Tasting Liberty

I'll always be afraid to drink from that bitter cup.
But I see now that there can be no other way.
I surrender on my own free will and choice.
Break me if you must, but please abide with me.

31 Hours 40 Minutes and 53 Seconds

Coach Watson's flawless recap of the Wasatch Back of 2008

"I have prepared much

I had the half marathon, the Salt Lake half ran in April

Full marathon in Ogden, we’ll be going past Ogden that I ran just about a month ago

Brutal though, but now I have just been doing a lot of speed work, track work,

talking to my coaches, talking to ex-Olympians, things like that.

I am ready to go..."

After this race in 2007, I promised myself I would not do it again. Naturally a year later I found myself as a team captain. The course was five miles longer and took team FANtastic five hours longer. Two months later, I look back at this whole experience with wonder and amazment. The Wasatch Back will be one of the greatest blessing of 2008. It goes to show how narrow one's perspective can be and how much we can miss if we don't pay attention.

Starting Over

When I picture progress I generally think of a steady upward slope. As we experience life, we are supposed to learn and get better as time goes on. As I look at my life, this doesn't seem to ring true. As I review my many issues, I realize I am not any better off today than I was yesterday. To be honest, I'm likely less capable of handling issues than ever before.

I have become a slave to many habits that are holding me back from what will truly make me happy. It's a very sobering experience to realize the very things I seek to for comfort are in fact the very things that are keeping me from the growth I need to become who I need to be. The truth is the fact that I ran a few marathons yesterday is not going to do me a bit of good today if I don't continue running. The accomplishments of yesterday are only valuable if we choose to continue to learn from them.

As I start over this fall, I hope I have the strength to get out of my comfort zone and embrace the changes I need.

"Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what? Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and more skilled, more self-confident and more successful." - Mark Victor Hansen

“Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” – George Bernard Shaw

Touch Your Heart

Portuguese sailors, passing Taiwan in 1544, first jotted in a ship's log the name of the island "Ilha Formosa", meaning Beautiful Island.

On the fourth day of March in 1980, Nationalist leader Robert Mugabe wins a sweeping election victory to become Zimbabwe's first black prime minister. Halfway around the world production of Sammy Fan was finished in Taiwan. Giving the term "Made in Taiwan" a whole new luster.

My father's ancestors are commonly known as Hakka, a subgroup of the Han Chinese people who lived predominantly in the provinces of Guangdong, Jiangxi, and Fujian in China. They immigranted to Taiwan sometime following the 17th century.

George Leslie Mackay, became the first missionary to be commissioned by the Canada Presbyterian Church arrived in Taiwan on December 31st, 1871. My mother's ancestors were converted to Christianity five generations before me. I have had little reason to respect the Canadians until I learned about Dr. Mackay.

I have just started to do research on my family history. It has already had a great impact on how I view my role in this world. If you're looking for some place to fit in, maybe start with where you've come from.

Perfect Ten

It's my ten year high school reunion tomorrow. I've had a lot of time this past month to really sit back and reflect upon my life. I watched "The Bucket List" with a dear friend earlier this year and we briefly talked about what might be on our own bucket lists. I actually have a file saved on my computer titled as such, but luckily I was never able to complete it.

For me such a list is hard to complete because there is one critical variable that we just don't know. How much time do we have? I've taken over ten hours of gerontology courses. From these studies, I have been able to gain an appreciation for the aging process and look forward to the many stages and changes we endure as we age. With this perspective also comes an urgency to live for today. I find myself from time to time asking, "If this was my last day/week/year on earth, am I doing what really makes me happy?"

That very question has helped me focus on what was most important to me these past ten years. Given my undefined life expectancy, I can say today with a smile on my face I am happy with the way I have spent my time. My to-do list for a full life is empty.

However tomorrow is a new dawn, and it is time for the next adventure. I don't really know what to expect, except to expect change. I pray I will continue to be wise enough to follow my heart, if I can hold to that, here's to another ten years of extraordinary experiences even beyond my greatest expectations.

"We must risk going too far to discover just how far we can go." - Jim Rohn

Have you Lived?

Sometimes it hard to see one's potiential in the mist of failure. It seems these past few weeks I've had the opportunity to live just that. One brightside to all this is it has been a lot easier to get those little things done, like scripture study and running. I guess there is a time and a season for everything. It doesn't matter so much that we never fall, just that we get back up when it happens.

Let it Be

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

Lessons Learned

I thought I took my last final over two years ago, I found out this week my round of finals were just starting, I'll have many more exams on my journey in this wonderful life. The final I had this week I felt like I had a chance to cheat. The outcome of the course I care about more than any other course I've ever taken, if I could just take this chance I would received a good grade. What happened surprised even me. I let myself bomb the final, knowing I would lose what I cared about most.

Dealing with disappointment and loss is not something I even attempt to know how to do. In the middle of all this I have been able to learn one invaluable thing about myself. When it comes to the things that matter most in life, I care more about doing what is right than what I want. These coming days I will be able to measure how quickly I am able to find the courage to take another course. I pray I am able to use this experience as a motivation rather than a crutch.

"There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart... pursue those."

The Man In The Glass

I find that I don't measure myself by the same standard for very long. It seems the man in my glass has a very fluid definition of success and befriending him is going to be a bit harder than expected. As I reach various milestones in my life I generally find a certain level of dissatisfaction and realize I have many more miles to go before I sleep.

I have also found a strange tolerance for the mundane that has made this journey much more enjoyable. The majority of my days are now spent outside my comfort zone, so much so I believe I no longer have any sort of comfort zone. In this state, I find myself constantly seeking guidance for I know I cannot accomplish all that I want to alone. As I repeat this process and take focus off myself, I find out a lot more about the man in the glass- with that comes a surprising sense of joy and peace.

The Man In The Glass

When you get what you want in your struggle for self, and the world makes you king for a day, just go to a mirror and look at yourself and see what that man has to say.

Although there are others in life’s pathway whose judgment upon you must pass, the fellow whose verdict counts most in your life is the man staring back from the glass.

You may win all the medals and “show” all the rest and think you’re a wonderful guy; but the man in the glass says you’re only a fraud, if you can’t look him straight in the eye.

He’s the one to please, after all’s said and done, for he’s with you clear up to the end. And you’ve passed a most dangerous, difficult test if the man in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathways of years and get pats on the back as you pass; but your final reward will be heartaches and tears, if you’ve cheated the man in the glass.

Nooner

I discovered today one of my favorite quotes originated from a good friend that serves me much more than a burrito at lunch time.

"You understand the full power of temptation by never yielding to it." - Karl Birkland

I appreciate this perspective; it really gives those that choose the right a sense of strength and validation. I hope I am one day able learn how bad I truely am.

“No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. After all, you find out the strength of the German army by fighting it, not by giving in. A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later.
That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it.” – C.S. Lewis

We Happy Few

When I first arrived at the University of Utah campus I was introduced to the St. Cispin's Day Speech of Shakespeare's Henry V by a dear friend. He charged us to develop our convictions and fight for them as if my very life depended upon it. Our youthful arrogance and limited experiences helped us undertake and accomplish many things we would have never dreamed of. In going through this process together, we developed a bond with each other that goes beyond that of common friendship. At the end of it, Shakespeare proved right. We were few, we happy few, we were band of brothers.

Although those bonds remain, sadly I have lost much of this charge in my approach to life. I now tend to seek common ground, compromise and the practical; rather than hold fast to my convinctions. I simply lack the passion I once had. Recently, I have stumbled upon a young bright visionary. Her wide-eyed view of the world is one that is innocent yet true. Just a small glimpse of this world gives me a renewed energy. A retored sense (or lack of) to try the impractical, challenge the impossible, fight the very battles that cannot be won.

From Shakespeare's Henry V, 1598:

Henry V
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remember'd;
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.

The Whole Person

1. A whole person is basically courageous. Because he is not afraid, he is open and curious and can look calmly and carefully at the world around him.
2. He is not afraid of new situations.
3. He can tolerate risks and uncertainty; not everything has to be planned and organized beforehand; he is not afraid to try.
4. He is confident of his own ability and resources and does not panic easily. He does not fear losing control of his emotions and is confident that he can express them in an appropriate manner.
5. He respects dangers but doesn’t magnify or escalate them, knowing that they do not automatically lead to disaster. He worries mostly about probabilities and not possibilities.
6. The whole person is also a realist. There is a little wishful thinking in his makeup. He sees things accurately and does not confuse what is with what should be.
7. He accepts the existence of cause and effect relationships operating in the world (that he can’t save money if he spends it; that he can’t lose weight and continue to over eat).
8. A whole person is mature and disciplined. He accepts conventional standards when they are convenient. Most of the time, it is simpler and less complicated to do things in a conventional way; however, he modifies or rejects them when it is better for him to do so.
9. Discipline shows also in the ability to postpone “instant gratification.” He is oriented toward growth and will not be swayed from his real goals by needs that clamor for immediate gratification. His main emphasis is on the development of his own skills and talents – that is gratification and satisfaction.
10. A healthy person is in control of his own life, not driven by his neuroses; he listens to others, but makes up his own mind and takes responsibility for his actions. He can work as well as play.
11. Good judgment is another quality of a healthy person; he is discriminating and selective. He does not get lost in unimportant details. He avoids extremes and sets realistic limits. He can be courageous and not reckless; frugal and not stingy; flexible without being wishy-washy; dignified and not arrogant.
12. A whole person has a good measure of self-respect and self-esteem. He feels all human beings are worthwhile and valuable, including himself. He does not constantly have to seek approval from others to prove that he is a worthwhile person.
13. The whole person is productive and creative. The major thrust of his life has been to develop his own abilities and resources. He has not scattered his energy in the pursuit of prestige or to impress others.
14. The whole person is in good contact with his own feelings and can express them. He is not in doubt about how he feels. He is sensitive to himself and his own needs. He knows what he likes and wants even if he cannot have it.
15. He is a good observer of himself and has the ability to stand back and look clearly at what is going on. He can respond simply and directly to what is going on at the present, whether it be with anger or with love.
16. The whole person has a good sense of self. He knows who he is, what he wants, and in what direction he is going. He is natural and spontaneous.
17. Finally, his relationships with other people are good. He feels lovable and capable of loving. As Freud once said, “Love and work, the healthy person is capable of both in full measure.”

–B. Freet

VIDA - Mexico 2007