My Mask

Recently, I’ve run into a few old acquaintances. We go through the usual process and update each other; trying to sum up our lives in a few short minutes. It’s trivial and superficial, the kind of conversation which is more about waiting for your turn to speak rather than listening and really communicating. I never show my true self in these situations, just different masks I’ve picked up over the years. My degree, hobbies, or political views introduced with a clever punch line to appear witty and different is pretty much all you’ll get.

I’ve also had the unreal experience of getting to know one of my closest friends in a whole new way. In getting to know them, I’ve really had an opportunity to really get to know myself. I have been able to take off the masks that I thought I could never live without and really start accepting me for who I am. Exposing my inner most thoughts, dreams and fears is something I just don’t do – not even to myself. I have found there is however, something about the truth that simply sets you free. I’ve found a sense of peace and inner strength that I never thought possible.

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage." –Lao-Tzu

All packed

The past few months I’ve taken my fair share of trip or participated in events that require me to spend a night or more away from home. Each time I don't properly pack and without fail I leave something behind. In order to help correct my behavior, I do not allow myself to simply purchase the forgotten item, I force myself to go without and in doing so hope I will remember and correct this behavior.

This highlights how I view myself in many ways. I know I have everything I need in this life; sometimes I just leave some things behind and am forced to go without. In going through this process I learn. In this life we aren’t suppose to have it all, we’re suppose to leave something out, and in doing so we learn and grow.

A man’s ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would in deeded be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.
Not everything that counts can be counted and not everything that can be counted counts.
–Albert Einstein

Friendship

I’ve come to realize in a very real way recently that nothing is unrelated. No single person is ever really alone. Everyone’s actions no matter how insignificant can and does affect something else. Things were designed this way, the sooner we can give in to this, the better off we will all be.

The challenges we are given are suppose to be hard, so hard that we cannot possibly go it alone. The struggles and moments of weakness are really just opportunities of friendship - to build and forge strong relationships with others. Even when we think are, we are never alone.

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." -Henri Nouwen

Life of Running

This last weekend I had the opportunity to run 175 miles with 11 other people in the Wasatch Back Relay. It took us twenty-six and a half hours to cover this distance, averaging about a nine minute pace through high elevation, steep grades and extreme temperatures at both ends of the spectrum. Take all that and factor in very little sleep, and you have yourself a pretty interesting experiment.

Going into this relay I was only concerned about the three legs I was supposed to run. My total mileage was about 14 miles going up 2,000 ft in elevation. Since I had run a marathon a month earlier, I figure this wouldn’t be as tough so it would not be as rewarding.

For the four plus hours before I began running I had helped seven other runners along their legs, soon their pain became my pain. Once I was on the trail and my lungs started to burn and my legs began to cramp I felt a pressure I was not aware of. In all my other runs, I was doing it for myself – this time I had eleven other people depending on me, this was not just about me – I was not about to let them down.

At the end of it all, I had run less than three hours of our twenty six hour trek. My body was a little stiff, but not sore at all compared to a marathon. To my surprise this experience of participating as a team was more rewarding than the runs I had done alone. I think I can take this lesson and apply it to other aspects of my life. Many times I am reluctant to let people help me and go at many things alone. In reality I know I’ll be less tired and more rewarded if I just let some friends join me along the way.

Hungry?

It's funny how a little bit can really go a long way. The little insignificant things that we dwell on each day really do have lasting effects. I think this weekend when I cramped up on mile 17 - things really could have turned out badly. I could have ignored what my body was telling me and really put my health at risk, or I could have called in quits and walked off the course.

Neither option crossed my mind. Instead of ignoring the issue or looking for a short term solution, I just focused on the next step. I realized I needed to slow down, drink a lot of water and push on. After three miles I was able to get my legs back and finished strong. Any other day I might have gone with a different approach, but because of some people I saw along the course, I was able to keep my head in the right place. That alone, however insignificant, was enough to make all the difference.

An elder Cherokee chief took his grandchildren into the forest and sat them down and said to them, “A fight is going on inside me. This is a terrible fight and it is a fight between two wolves. One wolf is the wolf of fear, anger, arrogance and greed. The other wolf is the wolf of courage, kindness, humility and love.” The children were very quiet and listening to their grandfather with both their ears. He then said to them, “This same fight between the two wolves that is going on inside of me is going on inside of you, and inside every person.” They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked the chief, “Grandfather, which wolf will win the fight?” He said quietly, “The one you feed.”

Finding your pace

The first time I went to spinning I remember feeling like I had it all figured out. Spinning was supposed to simulate cycling which I do often enough, so I felt adequately prepared.

I adjusted the bike to match my road bike, and off we went. I enjoyed the upbeat music, felt comfortable and got my heart rate up in no time. Pretty soon the once loud music seemed to be drowned out compared to my racing heart. The instructor helped volumes by encouraging me to keep pace.

As I near the finish, I give it my all and use the little energy I have left to finish strong. I think to myself, I can get use to this spinning. Then it happens - the instructor yells out, “Warm up over, let’s pick it up.”

I am floored; I had saved nothing for the actual workout. I was so caught up in the details I forgot to look at the time and pace myself. At this point, all I could manage to do was smile.

I think this experience describes exactly where I am in my life right now.

Fresh

A few quotes to keep pace and stay on course - I haven't forgotten the goal I've set for myself earlier this year. It is our thoughts that have brought us where we are today, and it is in our power to direct where we are going.

There is something about this wonderful spring weather that makes me really appreciate this wonderful life, and our countless opportunities.

When I get home people 'll ask me, "Hey Hoot, why do you do it man? Why? You some war junkie?" You know what I'll say? I won't say a word. Why? They won't understand. They won't understand why we do it. They won't understand that it's about the men next to you, and that's it. That's all it is. -Black Hawk Down

Happiness cannot come from without. It must come from within. It is not what we see and touch or that which others do for us which makes us happy; it is that which we think and feel and do, first for the other fellow and then for ourselves. -Hellen Keller

Everybody can be great... because anybody can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love. -Martin Luther King, Jr

A lot of people are waiting for Martin Luther King or Mahatma Gandhi to come back -- but they are gone. We are it. It is up to us. It is up to you. -Marian Wright Edelman

It is one of the most beautiful compensations of life, that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

He who wishes to secure the good of others, has already secured his own. -Confucius

Out of Focus

I find it is really easy these days to get off course. In this so called information age, we have so much information that it clouds us from getting to the true knowledge I think we all seek. It takes a lot of energy for me to sort my many priorities and figure out what is really important and meaningful.

There are two things that I unconsciously do that I have recently become aware that are true measures of my focus. The first is if I don’t have my cell phone, I generally keep it close by in case of emergencies and if I’m not alone I will most likely not answer. Unless you happen to be my mother, she gets to interrupt me. I find it childish and rude those that seem to be somewhere else and constantly messaging or taking calls. The second is a rare luxury and that is when I don’t have my watch on and do not need to worry about what time it is. I think it’s important for all of us to figure out what it is we truly value and spend some quality time enjoying it.

For me this week it was a good friend getting married. It was an amazing day, filled with old friends, some new ones, coming together and celebrating one of the greaest joys in life. It was the kind of day that made me realize how out of focus some of my priorities are. The bride and groom have the kind of relationship that just doesn't exist anymore, the kind that this world needs more of. The greatest part was realizing that there are some things worth waiting for, and amongst this crazy string of seemingly unrelated insignificant events we call life - we can have things come into focus and there is a happily ever after, for all of us, even for me.

Two Questions

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

If we don't yet know about life, how can we be expected to deal with death?

Lost in Translation

I can’t help but feel we are wasting our greatest resource and getting further off the path by giving into technology. Instead of spending quality time with people and interacting with them live and in person; we call, email, instant message, text and blog. They are all poor substitutes and distract us from what’s really important.

Human communication is made up of everything from physiological changes, body language, voice inflections, speech, and much more that gets lost in the technology translation. So much of our communication is non-verbal, and text on a screen isn’t what I’m talking about. How many times have you known a good friend is having a bad day by their facial expressions, verse a text message they sent you?

I get about ten visitors to my blog a day. I have no idea by whom and they rarely leave comments. I get about five text messages a day, sadly I have started to reply to most of them. I have some friends that I email more than I see or even talk to, regretfully I can’t seem to hang on to them.

Sure with technology we can do more, but really what are we doing more of and at what cost? I find I spent far too little time face to face with the people I care about most and these substitute forms of communication are only distracting me from the quality interaction we all need - when it comes to communication, I‘m taking quality over quantity.

“The greatest danger isn’t that machines will begin to think like people, but that people will begin to think like machines”
“It is appallingly obvious our technology has exceeded our humanity.”

- Albert Einstein

Time did an article on this last month, I read it at the doc's office this afternoon.

Moments of Clarity

I recently read my journal from when I was an intern in DC. It's hard to imagine that this was nearly five years ago. This entry made me think about a talk I heard this weekend on seeing the end from the beginning. I think there have been a few times in my life where this has happened.

May 26, 2001

I'm in New York City, its 9:00 PM and I'm sitting alone in our hotel room watching commencement speeches. I can’t believe the time I’m having. Everyone is at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, but I was extremely tired and wanted some time alone (very rare). It has been good, I figured out a lot today. I have a feeling of peacefulness and happiness right now. I think about my future and wonder about the things, places, and people that I’ll be with. I realized my faith today, the faith I have within myself. I will succeed; I will get what I want. I just have to figure out what that is.

This city gives me the chills. I love and hate it all at the same time. New York City is life, it is in your face. It’s Broadway, big business, capitalism, crime, violence, compassion, and vision. I need to get dressed and go out, I’m in NYC and it’s time to stop being introspective.

End of the Beginning

I always imagined my life would have a clear beginning, middle and end – kind of like the 100 years song by Five for Fighting. After all there is supposed to be a time and a season for everything.

Eight years ago when I pledged to become a member of a fraternity, I was overwhelmed and didn’t know how to even begin to prioritizing my time. I had just moved out on my own for the first time, was taking a full load of school, worked thirty hours a week, and had added many responsibilities as a pledge.

The one thing I regret is I wish I would have gotten to know my big brother in the house. The countless times I turned him down for lunch, to go to a movie, or hangout late night because of a test or for work still haunt me to this day. I never took the time to really get to know him like I should have. I always thought maybe later when I’m not so busy, I’ll take some time and we could become close.

That time never came, he past away Halloween of 2002. Suddenly my priorities didn't make much sense, the time I spent studying or at work seemed trivial compared to what I gave up. I always knew looking back on tears would make me laugh, but I never knew looking back on the laughs could make me cry.

My Personality

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have high extroversion.You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends.You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation.Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!" Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness.Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have low neuroticism. You are very emotionally stable and mentally together. Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly. Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

Type B+

You're a pro at going with the flow. You love to kick back and take in everything life has to offer. A total joy to be around, people crave your stability. While you're totally laid back, you can have bouts of hyperactivity. Get into a project you love, and you won't stop until it's done. You're passionate - just selective about your passions.

Experience

Sometimes I feel like I have gone through all this formal education just to be forced to unlearn it down the road. All throughout school we are given lessons first then the exams. We are then graded not by the lessons we may have learned but on just our exam performance.

In the real world, I find that very few things actually work this way. I think a majority of the time we are given the final exam up front. We must first struggle blindly before we can learn any sort of lesson. All this preparation was in vain, we have been conditioned to expect everything backwards. In life the score you get really doesn't matter compared to the lessons we may learn. When I thought I was getting schooled, turns out to be a long episode of punk'd.

I hope someone somewhere is at least getting a kick out of this, I know I would be.

"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see; you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too - even when you’re in the dark, even when you’re falling." – Mitch Albom

The In Between

I will run over three hundred miles, over fifty hours, in training for my next marathon. Every step I take during this race I will have taken about 13 in preparation. Many times in my training I will question my ability to make rational decisions.

I picture my warm cozy bed, as I am half awake up a canyon on my only day to sleep in, lungs burning, legs heavy and spirits low – wondering how clinical I must be. I am putting myself through all this not for a chance at a win but a hope to finish about an hour and a half after the winner?

I still continue to run. I think I do so because I hope to prove to myself I still have it in me. When I run, it's not by thinking, or seeing, but by doing. The greatest part about the marathon is not just the glory of finishing, or knowing the pains I have caused my body for the past four hours (at my pace) will finally stop.

It’s much sweeter, the moment I realize for myself, that I have it in me. Crossing the finishline - those three hundred miles, fifty hours, and early mornings are no longer painful memories for they have served their purpose. They are now a source of strength, for me to draw upon in a time of need. When the next difficult challenge comes along, I’ll be able to go into it knowing, I have the fight to see it through.

What I hear, I forget. What I see, I remember. What I do, I understand. - Confucius

How much do you really want it?

You can measure how much you really want something by what you had to give up for it. Usually it’s measured in money, time or a combination of the two. What happens when you are asked to give up on a dream? I’d like to think I would never consider such an option; this coming year I have decided to answer this question for myself.

When Alex Smith was presented with a choice to go to Harvard or to sign on with a mediocre football team, Smith went with his dream. Against the wishes of his mother and seemingly everyone around him, he gave up his potential Ivy League education to sit on the bench of a losing football team. Fast-forward three years, Smith leads his non-BCS team to a BCS bowl going undefeated, is a Heisman finalist and goes number one in the NFL draft signing the most lucrative rookie contract in history.

The hardest part in these decisions is that you never know what you are really giving up. Doing nothing is sometimes better than trying to do everything. What’s the point if we don’t go after those things that we truely want? At least we’ll know whatever the outcome maybe, we fought for our dreams. No matter how hopeless or unreasonable our outlook can be going in, we can’t see the end from where we start. Who knows? With a little luck the outcome might be even better than ever thought possible.

The Formula

The greatest thing about money is the less of it you have the further you make it go. I think the same rings true about time.

I spent too much of my childhood putting things off; constantly in a state of fear of rejection, failure or making a mistake. A majority of the time, I ended up simply not making any sort of decision and kind of floated along taking whatever landed in my lap.

Today, I regret not taking more chances for even the worst failure is better than never trying. At times I also worry about over compensating for past mistakes and fear I could be becoming impulsive. Then I realize I need to get out of my head and thinking about all this is burning way too much valuable time, gotta love the irony.

I’ll get the formula right one of these days, but for now I’m enjoying the ride.

The Bank of Time

“Every morning we are credited with 86,400 seconds. Every night it rules off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to no good purpose. It carries over no balances. It allows no overdrafts. Each day it opens a new account with you. Each night it burns the records of the day. If you fail to use the day’s deposits the loss is yours, there is no going back. There is no drawing against the tomorrow. You must live in the present – on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success.”

The Pledge

I find when life turns up the intensity and we are caught off guard, we are forced to take the focus off of what we want and focus on only what we need. We start to peel away the superficial layers of ourselves and find the very core of who we truly are.

The moments where we are so overwhelmed by the task at hand, we forget to brace ourselves when we fall. In these dark times, I believe we get the rare opportunity to prove to ourselves what we are really capable of and learn what we truly value.

It’s looking at the twenty miles left after being dead tired at mile six of a marathon. Or when you realize that you just don’t measure up, and in the past when you thought you could, you were just a fool. It's being betrayed by the one person you knew would never let you down. It’s in these moments we get to measure our fight, our will to get back up, and our very tolerance for living.

"The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. " - Michelangelo

On Safari

There are a surprising number of people out there that have dedicated themselves to doing good. We have gotten the word out and within a few weeks we have three different organizations that are willing to help us get to Africa. It’s refreshing to know that there are genuinely good people out there.

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed people can change the world; indeed it’s the only thing that ever has.” - Margaret Meade

This weekend we will be deciding where we want to direct our efforts, if you would like to come along; please get in contact with me. I wouldn’t be doing anyone justice by trying to explain what one of these trips could be like. I've found that the best lessons are often the ones lived rather than taught. With that said, we are one step closer to my thought becoming a reality.

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt within the heart." - Helen Keller

Gets better with Age

With my 26th birthday less than two weeks away, I had a close friend inform me how I was growing old so young. In reflecting this statement, I’ve found actions speak louder than words, and that statement pretty much defines my world.

- I am more likely to get up at 4:00 AM for a run than stay up past midnight
- Instead of turning to Jack Daniels for a little stress relief, I now listen to Jack Johnson
- My idea of mixing things up is going to spinning on Wednesday instead of Thursday
- I have to have a reason to stay up late
- I schedule my free time
- I get confused by MTV
- I drink diet sodas
- I listen to NPR and watch the market
- I don’t feel odd wearing a suit and tie
- I write the politicians that represent me and actually have an opinion

From the outside this might look sad, a younger version of me could have never imagined this life as I know it today. The truth of the matter is, what my world consists of today is totally up to me. I am free to do anything and I continue to choose this path. Young or old, I think I’ll have myself a pretty good day.